Advice to employees on the proper use of the System Administrator's valuable time
(In following examples, will substitute the name "Ted" as the System Administrator)
Make sure to
save all your MP3 files on your network drive. No sense in wasting
valuable space on your local drive! Plus, Ted loves browsing through
100+ GB of music files while he backs up the servers.
Play with all
the wires you can find. If you can't find enough, open something
up to expose them. After you have finished, and nothing works anymore,
put it all back together and call Ted. Deny that you touched anything
and that it was working perfectly only five minutes ago. Ted just
loves a good mystery. For added effect you can keep looking over
his shoulder and ask what each wire is for.
Never write down
error messages. Just click OK, or restart your computer. Ted likes
to guess what the error message was.
about your computer, use terms like "Thingy" and "Big Connector."
If you get an
EXE file in an email attachment, open it immediately. Ted likes
to make sure the anti-virus software is working properly.
When Ted says
he coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem
for him to remember your password.
When you call
Ted to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under
a year-old pile of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
flowers, unpaid bills, bowling trophies and Popsicle sticks. Ted
doesn't have a life, and he finds it deeply moving to catch a glimpse
When Ted sends
you an email marked as "Highly Important" or "Action Required",
delete it at once. He's probably just testing some new-fangled email
When Ted's eating
lunch at his desk or in the lunchroom, walk right in, grab a few
of his fries, then spill your guts and expect him to respond immediately.
Ted lives to serve, and he's always ready to think about fixing
computers, especially yours.
When Ted's at
the water cooler or outside taking a breath of fresh air, find him
and ask him a computer question. The only reason he takes breaks
at all is to ferret out all those employees who don't have email
or a telephone.
Send urgent email
ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a
When the photocopier
doesn't work, call Ted. There's electronics in it, so it should
be right up his alley.
When you're getting
a NO DIAL TONE message at your home computer, call Ted. He enjoys
fixing telephone problems from remote locations. Especially on weekends.
goes wrong with your home PC, dump it on Ted's chair the next morning
with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem.
Ted just loves a good mystery.
When you have
Ted on the phone walking you through changing a setting on your
PC, read the newspaper. Ted doesn't actually mean for you to DO
anything. He just loves to hear himself talk.
When your company
offers training on an upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother to sign
up. Ted will be there to hold your hand when the time comes.
When the printer
won't print, re-send the job 20 times in rapid succession. That
should do the trick.
When the printer
still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all the printers
in the office. One of them is bound to work.
Don't use online
help. Online help is for wimps.
Don't read the operator's manual. Manuals are for wussies.
If you're taking
night classes in computer science, feel free to demonstrate your
fledgling expertise by updating the network drivers for you and
all your co-workers. Ted will be grateful for the overtime when
he has to stay until 2:30am fixing all of them.
When Ted's fixing
your computer at a quarter past one, eat your Whopper with cheese
in his face. He functions better when he's slightly dizzy from hunger.
When Ted asks
you whether you've installed any new software on your computer,
LIE. It's no one else's business what you've got on your computer.
If the mouse
cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the
monitor and stuff the cable under it. Those skinny Mouse cables
were designed to have 55 lbs. of computer monitor crushing them.
If the space
bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame Ted for not upgrading it
sooner. Hell, it's not your fault there's a half pound of pizza
crust crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Mountain Dew
under the keys.
When you get
the message saying "Are you sure?", click the "Yes" button as fast
as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it,
free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that boneheaded
computer crap." It never bothers Ted to hear his area of professional
expertise referred to as boneheaded crap.
Don't even think
of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid
somebody else should sneak a one-page job in between your 500-page
When you send
that 500-page document to the printer, don't bother to check if
the printer has enough paper. That's Ted's job.
When Ted calls
you 30 minutes later and tells you that the printer printed 24 pages
of your 500-page document before it ran out of paper, and there
are now nine other jobs in the queue behind yours, ask him why he
didn't bother to add more paper.
When you receive
a 130 MB movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail
attachment. Ted's provided plenty of disk space and processor capacity
on the new mail server for just those kinds of important things.
When you bump
into Ted in the grocery store on a Sunday afternoon, ask him computer
questions. He works 24/7, and is always thinking about computers,
even when he's at super-market buying toilet paper and doggie treats.
If your son is
a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends
and do his projects on your office computer. Ted will be there for
you when your son's illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes the Access
database keel over and die.
When you bring Ted your own "no-name" brand PC to repair for free
at the office, tell him how urgently he needs to fix it so you can
get back to playing EverQuest. He'll get on it right away, because
everyone knows he doesn't do anything all day except surf the Internet.
Don't ever thank
Ted. He loves fixing everything AND getting paid for it!