In many places on the web, you will find this list of top 10 things
likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon on your software development
(I do not know who originally wrote it)
- A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
- By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!
- You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
- Our competitors are without honor!
- Specifications are for the weak and timid!
- This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium
processors if I am to do battle with this code!
- This code is a piece of crap! You have no honor!
- Perhaps it IS a good day to die! I say we ship it!
- Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship
it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
- My program has just dumped Stova Core!
- Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior
that ever lived!
But I disagree. Klingons prefer hand-to-hand combat to Phasers. You just know that
they'd want to use a Z80 for real-time image processing.
So here are N more things likely to be overheard if you
had a Klingon on your software development team (
by Steve Baker:
- "I have challenged the entire ISO-9000 review
team to a round of Bat-Leth practice on the
holodeck. They will not concern us again."
- "C++? That is for children. A Klingon Warrior
uses only machine code, keyed in on the front
panel switches in raw binary."
- "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Bugs are good
for building character in the user."
- "Defensive programming? Never! Klingon programs
are always on the offense. Yes, Offensive programming
is what we do best."
- "Klingon programs don't do accountancy. For that,
you need a Farengi programmer."
- "Klingon multitasking systems do not support "time-sharing".
When a Klingon program wants to run, it challenges the
scheduler in hand-to-hand combat and owns the machine."
- "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have
'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."
- "You humans call this thing a 'cursor' and you
move it with 'mouse'! Bah! A Klingon would not use such
a device. We have a Karaghht-Gnot - which is best
translated as "An Aiming Daggar of 16x16 pixels" and
we move it using a Gshnarrrf which is a creature from
the Klingon homeworld which posesses just one,
(disproportionately large) testicle...which it rubs along
the ground.....uh do we really need to talk about this?"
- "I am without honor...my children are without honor...
My father coded at the Battle of Kittimer...and...and...he...
HE ALLOWED HIMSELF TO BE MICROMANAGED." <shudder>
- "Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software
'escapes'. Typically leaving a trail of wounded programmers
in it's wake."
- "Microsoft is actually a secret Farengi-Klingon alliance
designed to cripple the Federation. The Farengi are doing
the marketing and the Klingons are writing the code."
- "Klingons do not believe in indentation - except perhaps in
the skulls of their program managers."
- "You can't truly appreciate Dilbert unless you read it
in the original Klingon."