Engineers

Engineer In Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, youíre an engineer ó youíre in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, theyíve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, which makes the engineer a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, howís it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. Weíve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and thereís no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? Youíve got an engineer? Thatís a mistake ó he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and Iím keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or Iíll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Real Engineers

Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.
Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions.
Real Engineers say "Itís 77 degrees Fahrenheit, 21 degrees Celsius, and 294 Kelvin" and all you say is "Isnít it a nice day?"
Real Engineers wear badges so they donít forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Donít offer me a ride today. I drove my own car".
Real Engineersí politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.
Real Engineers know the "ABCís of Infrared" from A to B.
Real Engineers know how to take the cover off of their computer, and are not afraid to do it.
Real Engineersí briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics," and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
Real Engineers donít find the above at all funny.

Top 10 Things Engineering School Didnít Teach You

1. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
2. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
3. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
4. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
6. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
7. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
8. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
9. If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, go into software.
10. Dilbert is not a comic strip, itís a documentary.

The Engineer and the Red Rubber Ball

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

Engineer in heaven

An engineer dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St Peter. St Peter ask the engineer his name as he looks it up in the big book of life. St Peter looks up and states, "Thereís been a mistake, youíre not due here for another 50 years!" The engineer is distraught and asks what can be done.

St Peter replies, "No problem, this happens more often than you think. Follow me".

So they walk through the gates and to a room with several bins in it. This is the body parts room. St Peter takes the engineer to the legs bins and states, " We have all kinds of legs to choose from, but relative to all the good you have done in life so far, you only gets $500 worth to play with."

The engineer sees this as the usual get the most for the least cost exercise so decides to pick carefully and asks, "how much are super strong legs?"

"$10 each" replies St Peter. The engineer is overjoyed and takes two. The next bins are arms, and the engineer buys two super strong arms for $5 each. This is looking good and the engineer is building a great body and dreaming about all the fun he will have when he gets back to earth.

They finally reach the brain bins. The engineer asks "How much are engineersí brains?" "$5,000 an ounce." replies St Peter.

"$5,000 an ounce!" exclaims the engineer. "Why so much?" he asks. St Peter replies, "Do you know how many engineers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

Simple explanation

It happened decades ago, when the rails within railways were not yet welded, but jointed. In a compartment of a coach of a fast-train were sitting a young lady with her about 5-year old son and an unknown man, who could be an Engineer; as later turned off.

The speed of the express was close to 100 km-per-hour, so a sound of "bum-bum-bum..." repeated regularly with a frequency of around 1 Hz. The child was curious about that sound and asked mum, what caused it.

She just told "It's obvious!"

After ten minutes the boy wanted to know again the origin of the noise. The lady said "Sit nicely!"; or something like that.

At that moment the man briefly, but gently, explained to the lady, that children deserve to get an adequate reply to any question, they might have; and then turned to the child:

"Look, little boy; we are sitting in an express. What does an express consist of? From a locomotive and coaches. Let's put aside the locomotive and rest of coaches.

What does our coach consist of? From wheels and cabins. Let's put aside the cabins and take one wheel.

What is a wheel? Actually, it is a circle; and what is the area of a circle? It equals Pi by square of radius.

Let's put aside Pi. What do you get? A square!

And what does a square do, when riding on a rail? Bum-bum-bum...!"

Smart engineer

An engineer and a mathematician were arguing about which was smarter. They were given a test. A room was found with doors on opposite sides. One person was put at each door. In the center of the room they placed a beautiful girl, scantily clothed. The engineer and mathematician were told that each minute they could go one half the distance to the girl, and the one that got there first could have her. The mathematician thought a minute and said I give up, you can never get there. The engineer said, You are right, but I can get close enough.

Students

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."